Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Emperor’s New Clothes

In an email I sent out to wish someone Happy Birthday, I sounded sure, funny and in control with life. I meant to encourage him and keep him upbeat, not that he needs it, but he deserves the praise, since he is very good at what he loves to do, he draws. I know there are dangers of sounding condescending and intrusive when you suppose to leave each other alone, by the etiquette I know of existing in this culture. Although based on how we knew each other, I hope that should not be a concern. But then I am not so sure. Then again he can always sees through me.

What I especially not sure is that why I have to sound so clam and happy when in reality I know that I am the one who have kept on encouraging myself, or appreciating the encouragement from others. Maybe by supporting others whom I care for, even without them asking for it, I ultimately find some solace and support for myself, or my purpose of being. I again felt that I have put on the Emperor’s new clothes in saying I am strong even like now and I want you to be too, and that we won’t be beaten no matter what. It intends well and true, but I might be the double liar that I have always been, vulnerable but do not want to admit; in need and pain but telling myself that I can do this in a cool way.

I have shown my vulnerability, anxiety and obsession to the very few, and here and now, and people don't expect that of me, fear and humiliation. They know me as tough, stylish, and strong. But that is just people who don't really know me. And I have only loved people who dare to show them, their scars and their fear, to me. I love vulnerability and complexity in people so much that I could never let them go so easily. But once they are happy and strong and know exactly what they are doing, I lose interest somehow, for I don’t recognize those qualities. I love people who are just a bit more complicated, even when we are happy we are not fully so. People with single layer and no fear and unfulfilled wanting in life bore me to tears. I know, that sounds trouble when you get to the heart of the matters, quoting from the so insightful and painful Graham Greene.

Maybe it is because I love the honesty that they own up to, or their deep similiary to the hidden me, to be a real human being with fear and disappointments and mess ups, and yet, I could never face properly my own fear, vulnerability and disappointments, such as admitting that my photos for the class sucks because I did not take time to go out and shoot and plan, or maybe because that I just have no talent in this, such as that I am probably never able to move on in a way to be so close to someone again that I would want to show him my fear and dread in life.

Along the same line of the title, is one of my favorite of Sinead O'connor's song. It seems very relevant to what I am trying to say here, sort of.

But again, I did not say anything much, sometimes we are silent because certain things are too precious to utter, for the whole world to know, like a sacred promise that we bet our soul on and it lives and dies with us.

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